Monthly Archives: February 2004

fuck

FUCK!

As if my life couldn’t get any more complicated (you know what I’m talking about Avril), now it has gotten more complicated!!!

There are many outside forces competing for control of my body, and it is all that I can do to try and wrest control from them and lead my own life. These are the areas of my life that are currently being run by despots:

Love Life
Educational Opportunities
Creative Endeavors

Within two weeks, I should hear some information that will help me to make some very important decisions, i.e. whether I have a reason to stay in this town or whether I can finally, blessedly, get the fuck out. But now I just got a call about a job that I should have gotten a call about in September. So just when I might have made it out, there is this job opportunity that would actually be a pretty good job opportunity, and I know that it’s not a sure thing, but it definitely throws what one might call “a wrench” into what one might call “the game plan.” Now, apparently, these are the areas of my life being controlled by despots:

Love Life
Educational Opportunities
Creative Endeavors
Professional Life

Let me out! Let me out!
Stupid despots.

At least I still have you, sweet, sweet i-pod.

Q: Why didn’t he make this entry “private” so that I wouldn’t have to read it?

A: Even he does not know.

Legalese

DETROIT, Michigan (AP) — Rapper Eminem’s music publisher is suing Apple Computer Inc., claiming the company used one of the hip-hop superstar’s songs in a television advertisement without permission. “Eminem has never nationally endorsed any commercial products and … even if he were interested in endorsing a product, any endorsement deal would require a significant amount of money, possibly in excess of $10 million,” according to the 15-page lawsuit filed Friday in U.S. District Court in Detroit.

ST. BISHOP, Missouri (AP) — K-Mart has issued a cease and desist order to a Mr. Edward R. Kilroy of St. Bishop, Missouri, after Mr. Kilroy argued that it was “their stupid fault” he had to go to another store for the black t-shirt and black sweatpants his son needed for his role as Kabuki Set Changer in an upcoming performance of Madame Butterfly being performed at Mideast Middle School. As the suit claims “K-Mart does not take any responsibility for public school performances, nor their costuming needs. Therefore we ask Mr. Kilroy to immediately end his claims that responsibility falls on our corporation. Moreover, it is the belief of K-Mart and its subsidiaries that Madame Butterfly may not be entirely appropriate for Junior High Schoolers in the first place.” Notice of the suit was delivered to Ms. Shipley, the school’s theater teacher and the director of Butterfly. “I am not surprised,” Ms. Shipley said in an official statement delivered to the St. Bishop Statement. “This is typical of the establishment being confronted with the truth.” No one is quite sure what Ms. Shipley means, but she only recently moved to St. Bishop from an undisclosed location, and it is rumored she changed her name.

MINNEAPOLIS, Minnesota (Reuters) — Universal Records and the artist Jimmy Buffet, legendary musician for the middle-aged, has filed an injunction against Bob Smiley and his longtime girlfriend, June Jacobs, who were recently overheard to publicly proclaim “Margaritaville” as “their song.” As the suit states, “‘Margaritaville’ is the property of Universal Records and represents the hard work of Mr. Buffet. These claims are not only outlandish, but constitute theft.” A public apology has been demanded, as well as an admission on the parts of Mr. Smiley and Ms. Jacobs that the song was not and will never be theirs. “We just like to have fun. This song meant something to us,” is the only statement Mr. Smiley has been willing to issue at the moment. Warren Cohen, LLB, counsel to Universal, has noted that this is not a legal defense that would hold up in any modern court.

SAN DIEGO, California (AP) — A copyright infringement case is being brought upon the entire Tilden family for use of an unauthorized quotation in the most recent issue of their family newsletter, the Tilden Times. The AP reports this week that the estate of Robert Frost has been bringing all of their weight to bear upon the Tilden’s use of a two-stanza excerpt from the late Mr. Frost’s famous poem “Road Not Taken.” The excerpt was used as a lead-in to an article written by Mrs. Allison Tilden concerning her daughter Janie’s entry to Johns Hopkins medical school. “As with all copyrighted material, use of said material requires permission of the owner of the property,” the suit argues. “The Tilden’s use of “Road Not Taken” is not only illegal, it is inappropriate, as hundreds of students attend Johns Hopkins medical school every year, as they have since it opened in 1889. It is not our desire to shut-down the publication of the Tilden Times, but if it continues to use the work of Mr. Frost without permission we will be forced to take the necessary legal action. ” It has been noted that the issuance of rights would cost them around $10,000, which, admittedly, does not fit into the seven dollar budget the quarterly publication-distributed to family and close friends-currently maintains. The Tildens were not available for comment, as they were on a Royal Caribbean Princess Cruise at the time the lawsuit was issued.

Mostly This Is Just for Spaceham

She’s got a dark-skinned friend that look like Michael Jackson
Got a light-skinned friend that look like Michael Jackson.

And thus started my day. Thanks, Kanyé, that was good.

Three Beer Thursday was another success. No-sleep Friday was another (projected) failure.

Also, does anyone know the statute of limitations on divorcing your parents? I know that girl did it in that made for t.v. movie, but she was, like, twelve. Am I going to be stuck with them forever, or is there some legal action I can take?

Thanks.

Let’s Get Rich, Bizatches!

Want to make some money? Well, you got to spend money to make money, so invest heavily in my surefire money making scheme!

Garbage Pail Kidz

Finally, a gross-out trading card for inner city youth! No longer will Urban Teens feel disenfranchised with the predominately white-middle-class culture of the trading card.

Freebasin’ Farakahn and Skanky Shaniqu’a are my favorites! What are yours?

IPOutside

I am starting a new Social Website!

Please register at www.acquaintancester.com

You can link up with your favorite acquaintances and send each other messages from the following selection:

“Hey!”
“Hey, What’s Up?!”
“Hello.”
“What’s Up!”
“Good to See You.”
“How Are You?”
“I’ve Got to Go, But You Should Call Me Sometime.”
“How is [Blank]?”
“Wassup!”
“High 5!”
“L8er”
“Hi.”

You can post up to three user pictures, but they should all look like slightly different people, even though if you stare at them for long enough it’s obviously you, but at first glance you’re not sure and might not even recognize you!

You can also pretend to be wearing headphones and not notice your acquaintancester when they message you!!

I apologize for this journal. All of it.

An Open Memo to Shaft’s Cousin

Dear Shaft’s Cousin:

When looking to buy a new car, perhaps give the various dealerships your home number, or personal cell phone number, or even work cell phone number, rather than your desk work number, since YOU ARE NEVER HERE! It seems to me that the dealers, as hard as they try to be nice on commission, are getting tired of talking to me, especially since I always say that I am not sure when you will be in, but that I will give you the message, since we both know (the dealers and I) that I will promptly throw the message away since I NEVER SEE YOU.

Big shout out to Sean at Nissan, Dave at Ford, and Alex at GM Chrysler.

Sincerely,
Worker #3116

I Am Ready For Your “Work”

My endless pursuit of more gainful and fulfilling employment also leads me to search out the best possible cover letter to help get me that killer job!

So, if you have a good cover letter I could use by just switching my name and address for your name and address, send it to me. Consider this a “call for entries.”

Yay! We have a winner. Thanks “The Beez,” if it wasn’t for you and your fan club I would have to write something on my own, and I don’t want to do that because I am so laaaaazzzzzyyyyyy.

February 15, 2004

To Whomever My Desperation May Concern:

I am interested in any position for which you will pay me. I have spent a lot of time doing a lot of stuff. I am confident I can do more different stuff for you. As a finance legal assistant, journals editorial assistant, U.S. Embassy political assistant, neuroscience research assistant, Chefâ??s assistant, administrative assistant (twice), and literary agent assistant, I have been trained in the assistance art. I know how to be the wind beneath your wings. And you won’t have to worry about this wind thinking it can do the flying. Wind flying? That don’t make any kind of sense to me! Believe me, I know where the shadows are and I am content remain ensconced within them.

In addition to assisting, my executive skill set also includes coordinating, preparing, organizing, managing, maintaining, processing, corresponding, supervising, communicating, and synthesizing. I even spearheaded a few times, though never with an actual spear. I honed once, but half way through the honing, I began processing. At which point, I stopped and I collated.

Please don’t be confused or, God forbid, intimidated by my Masters degree. It does not qualify me to do anything, much less does it overqualify me. The interdisciplinary nature of my Masters program allowed me to engage in different kinds of academia, from studying the shifts in interpretive theory in the last century, to contemporary literary theory, ethnography, cinema and race studies. So you see, I got nothing for you. Furthermore, I completed a 90 page Masterâ??s thesis on, get this, historiographic metafiction. It seemed pretty important at the time. If anything, my graduate experience has given me a valuable understanding of and appreciation for endlessly and monomaniacally pursuing a task of no particular interest. Let me put this skill to work for you.

In conclusion, I bring to the position the preferred experience and the exploitable despair. Doing whatever for you (preferably, assisting whatever) would be a tremendous opportunity, I guess. Finally, and most importantly, I am in no way burdened by any expectations of job satisfaction.

I look forward to hearing back from you, because maybe then I’ll stop punching myself.

May the Lord Bless You,

“The Beez”

Politic

I think it would be funny if everybody voted for George W. Bush to get re-elected and then at the inauguration Ashton Kutcher came out and said “What’s Up America, you got PUNK’D” and then fucked the shit out of Demi Moore while Justin Timberlake sang “Rock Your Body.”

I, Like Madonna, Have My Very Own Yoga Instructor And Difficulties Communicating With My Father

The one thing that I like best about celebrities is their ability, at times, to be just like us! They’re like us if we starred in movies and had a lot of money and then lost it all by buying houses that were too big, doing cocaine and marijuana cigarettes too much, and letting our “money manager” invest in his cousin’s doomed-from-the-start pirate-themed Chinese restaurant.

Yes, and celebrities occasionally hold grudges and then bring them up years after everyone else has forgotten about them, just like my ex-girlfriend.

For example, as reported in today’s New York Post, Pony Boy had this to say:

If it came to a rumble between original “Karate Kid” star Ralph Macchio and “The Next Karate Kid” leading lady Hilary Swank, Macchio foresees a crushing defeat for himself. “I have no doubt she can kick my butt.” The diminutive actor says he’d stand little chance of escaping Swank’s kung fu grip: “She has serious fighting skills and is surprisingly large. Hilary dresses in a way that hides how big she really is.”

Wow, didn’t see that one coming over the past ten years!! You don’t pull any punches, do you Ralph, until everyone has turned their back and moved on with their life and pursued second and even third careers and had and lost love and then WHAMMO! You’re right there, waiting with some carefully, VERY CAREFULLY, chosen words.

WHAMMO!