I didn’t think I was going to write anything today, but look, here I am!!!!!!
Living at your PARENTS’ HOUSE is awesome. A lot of people don’t know this, because they think they are “adults” and “independent”, but I am here to tell you that there is nothing better than living at your PARENTS’ HOUSE. Why, if my PARENTS weren’t getting ready to kick me out, I would live there FOREVER!
Every morning, when I am leaving my PARENTS’ HOUSE, I talk to the dogs. There are two dogs at my PARENTS’ HOUSE, they live there too, although my PARENTS are not threatening to kick them out. This is because they love these dogs more than their own child. These dogs will never be forced into “making something of their lives” and “finding their passion.” No PARENT will ever say to these dogs “why don’t you ever invite us over to your apartment?” or, even worse, “when are you going to get an apartment?”
So, like I was saying, every morning I talk to the two dogs who are living at my PARENTS’ HOUSE. My PARENTS trained the dogs, back when they were little dogs, with the phrase “guard the house.” This is what you say to the dogs when you are leaving, and this lets them know that you are NOT leaving FOREVER. Without a phrase like this the dogs will think you have given them the house as a present, and they will poop on all your things and then eat them. Of course, you could still leave FOREVER if you wanted, and you could tell them “guard the house,” and if their training was successful they would spend the rest of their dogs’ lives not pooping on your things and eating them, just waiting and expecting you to come home at any moment. In an effort to lead a more honest life, I would recommend saying nothing if you are planning to leave your PARENTS’ HOUSE FOREVER, this way the dogs who live there will know that they are on their own, that you are NEVER COMING BACK.
So, like I was saying, every morning as I am getting ready to leave my PARENTS’ HOUSE, WHERE I LIVE, I talk to the two dogs who live there, too, and try to say something nice to them that they will understand. For example, this weekend my PARENTS went to Atlanta, GA, the Second Worst City in the Union. They got back yesterday. So, yesterday, when I was leaving my PARENTS’ HOUSE, I told the dogs: “you guys don’t realize this, but you’re going to have a really big surprise today, and I’m really excited for you!” They did not understand this phrase quite as well as the phrase “guard the house”, but I’m sure it all came together when they saw my PARENTS had returned. When that happened these two dogs were thinking to themselves “this must be the ‘surprise’ he mentioned this morning. Boy, he wasn’t kidding, this is BIG!”
This morning, I was the last one to leave my PARENTS’ HOUSE, and so it was my responsibility to say “guard the house,” to let the dogs know that although they might feel alone in the universe, someday, probably later today, we would return and pet them. “You have to guard the house,” I said to them. “Are you up to it? This is a lot of responsibility for you because there’s no one else here to do it. If you’re not up to it let me know right now, because I’ll have to find other dogs. It will be hard since it’s the absolute last minute (note: I was going to be late for the bus), but I WILL do it.” The dogs seemed ready to guard the house, and so then I spoke in My Movie Preview Voice Over Voice: “Two dogs were chosen to guard a house, but they couldn’t know the evil that lurked within its ancient walls.” In this case “evil” is a metaphor for “my PARENTS” and “ancient walls” is a metaphor for “ugly 60s modern”.
MOTHER is making CHICKEN WRAPS for DINNER!