Blog
02/22/11
The Lost Stieg Larsson Novel
Stieg Larsson, the Swedish author of the “Millennium” thrillers, including The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, died suddenly and tragically in 2004 before his books were published. He had already turned in three completed manuscripts, but it is rumored that he had nearly completed a fourth. Now, that final book has been found and it is presented here for the millions of fans of Larsson’s work.
Lisbeth Salander made some coffee and sandwiches and sat down at her computer. She had a hard drive and a mouse and her computer was filled with software. She booted up the JPG and stared at the files. It was time for Salander to do what she did best: modern computer hacking. Within minutes, she was inside the system.
Meanwhile, Mikael Blomkvist, who everyone called Kalle Blomkvist, was going to break the story wide open. For some reason, every woman in the world wanted to sleep with him, so he put on a pot of coffee and made some sandwiches.
UH OH SEX CRIME! Is every man in the world a sex criminal? Long description of a Swedish proto-Nazi fringe cult. Also a reminder of the “Wennerstrom affair” from four books ago.
“Why do you hate women?” Mikael Blomkvist asked the rapist who hated women, pointing the gun that he suddenly knew how to use. “Tomorrow morning, you’re going to be all over the news. I’m going to make sure this is just like the “Wennerstrom affair” which you probably remember because it is a famous news story that I made famous. After I was in jail, which I will also remind you happened.”
“I don’t know, I’m skeptical about something dumb,” says a tertiary character.
Lisebeth Salander put down her coffee and pushed away her unfinished sandwich. She had been declared “incompetent” by the state and she was very weird. Piercings. Hard drives. Sandwiches. Haircut. 3 billion Kroner. PDF. Modem. Here is a list of things that Salander bought at IKEA. [Note to self: expand this section another 10 pages.] She solves some puzzle or something and gets an idea.
Erika Berger, the lady that cheats on her husband with Mikael Blomkvist but her husband doesn’t care, doesn’t do anything or add anything to the story. As usual.
The sex criminal is shot in the face and his penis is set on fire and his arms are chopped off with an axe in the shed and leather straps and computers and coffee and sandwiches. “Let’s be friends,” Kalle Blomkvist says to Lisbeth Salander. She doesn’t know if she can be friends with anyone because she is so weird. She boots up her emails.
The end.
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caringiscool said:
03/26/11, 2:33 pm
who eats coffee and sandwiches together? no one i know but apparently every single person in northern europe ONLY eats sandwiches and ONLY drinks coffee, unless they sometimes drink aquavit. every scandanavian novel i've ever read is really just a novel about casual sex and coffee and sandwiches. also sex crimes. scandanavia really needs to look into how many sex crimes are apparently happening there.
Holly said:
03/23/11, 9:40 pm
I always wondered whether anyone would point out the amount of times sandwidches were mentioned. It really ramped up the tension!
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Nick said:
02/22/11, 9:07 pm
Booting up a JPG is a thing that I am always doing.
bird said:
02/22/11, 12:45 pm
less funny when the comments run bottom to top.
bird said:
02/22/11, 12:45 pm
i bet it's better in the original sandwich.
deeky said:
02/22/11, 10:03 am
i bet it's better in the original swedish.