R.I.P. Worker #3116

I was going to write a fake obituary for Worker #3116, but that seemed more pointless and self-indulgent than even I could allow. THAN EVEN I. So, let’s just say this: For those of you who don’t know, Worker #3116 was a pen name that I wrote under for a long time on this other stupid blog (as if there is another kind of blog) called When I started that site, on LiveJournal, 14,000 years ago, in 2003, the original idea was to write about the office where I worked, which was actually a hospital where I was temping. It was awful there! Although there was a Burger King! I wrote under a fake name out of a misguided, self-inflated fear that somehow my bosses would…like…find my LiveJournal? And not only read the whole thing, obviously, but also spend a lot of time trying to decode everyone’s nicknames? And once they put it all together, I would be fired from my lucrative temping job at the hospital and would never work in the hospital temp industry again. It didn’t even matter anyway because the fact of the matter is that the thing about how good The Office UK is because of how it captures how crazy-boring and abjectly depressing an office can be kind of overlooks how CRAZY-BORING AND ABJECTLY DEPRESSING AN OFFICE CAN BE*. So. Crazy. Boring. And. Abjectly. Depressing. Robot dogs? People clipping their nails in their cubicle? It did not take too long for me to stop writing about my office adventures and just write about I don’t even know what. Benicio Del Toro movies, mostly, I’m sure. But still under a fake name because SAFETY FIRST.

And now he is dead. Car crash. Suicide. Email filled with iAnthrax.

Boy, I am really taking the scenic route down memory lane so hard as if this is a PBS documentary and I am a government official making sure that PBS fulfills its earnestness obligation? WELL, SOMETIMES IT IS FUN TO CREATE A MYTH ABOUT YOURSELF LIKE A DUDE STRAPPED TO THE BOULDER WITH THE EAGLES N’ STUFF! AM I USING THE WORD MYTH CORRECTLY? (GREAT MYTH!)

The point is: it has been a long time since I wrote that old site. I guess Worker #3116 has been dead for awhile. But he’s never been properly buried! Let’s shovel the dirt right onto his face! FUN FACT: a few months after my mom discovered my anonymous blog because it had stopped being very anonymous, she wrote me a birthday card and signed it “Mom #3116.” She is a good egg. In any case, all of that stuff is archived on this new site now. There’s not really any reason to read it. But you can. And canning is half the battle. Wait. Right? What? Right.

*It is also worth pointing out that for as crazy-boring and abjectly depressing as an office can be, blog posts ABOUT an office are also crazy-boring and abjectly depressing. And obnoxious. Going back through the archives a little bit, all of those posts are just so sad and angry and unlikable. Eek! LOL? I’m glad they are over. We all are.

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