If I Was Franklin Delano Roosevelt

The only thing we have to fear is snakes. And spiders. And rubber snakes, if we are distracted or the light is poor, and we accidentally mistake them for real snakes. See also: rubber spiders, same scenario. See also: space snakes, which are snakes from other planets in outer space. We also have to fear the movie The Strangers, which I have not seen because even the trailer is too scary, so perhaps the only thing we have to fear is the trailer for The Strangers, if somehow the movie itself didn’t deliver, I wouldn’t know, although I bet the whole thing is pretty scary so to be on the safe side let us fear everything to do with The Strangers. We have to fear dirty bombs and biological warfare, but we do not have to fear Anthrax in envelopes sent to Ted Koppel’s office, because come on, people, that is not how things are going to happen. (FOOTNOTE: Ted Koppel may need to fear Anthrax sent in envelopes to Ted Koppel’s office.) We have to fear the robot uprising. And the Zombie apocalypse. If the robots become self-aware DURING the Zombie apocalypse, we may need to fear that as well unless we are all zombies, in which case we won’t need to fear anything. I’m not sure if we’re supposed to fear vampires or want to fuck them. I’ll get my best people on it. Let’s see, oh, we should definitely fear peaking too early and having to live your entire life trying to catch up to that unobtainable personal triumph and just constantly feeling like your best years are behind you because it’s nice to feel like your progressing, you know, like things are going to get better, but if you’re always looking back then that’s probably going to make for some pretty sticky unhappiness. So, that’s a tough one. Cancer. Bed bugs. Salmonella, whatever that is. Leaning on a banister on top of a parking structure and having that banister suddenly disappear and being unable to keep yourself from falling to your death. Unlikely, yes, but very scary if you think about it! Choking on a toothpick. Falling in love with a terrible racist who secretly hides their terrible racism until you are married. You would feel betrayed but you’d also have to ask yourself what does this say about me that this is the person I chose, you know? Shooting yourself in the foot with a shotgun and then getting suffocated by Spanish moss. Knives. Syringes. An apple with a razor blade in it. A potato with a razor blade in it. Any fruit or vegetable with a razor blade in it. The Cavity Creeps. Hospital smells. Gary Busey’s teeth. Personally, I also am very scared of having a mentally retarded baby. I’m sure in the end I would grow to love him or her very much and it would open my heart in a way I never knew was possible, like, I’d tell friends “before [baby name] was born, I didn’t even know what the word ‘love’ really meant, it turns out.” But in the abstract it seems absolutely terrifying. All the extra worry and responsibility, as if parenthood were not already an undertaking of almost immeasurable worry and responsibility. Of course, all parents fear their children dying before they do, so I suppose I am also scared of having a mentally retarded baby and then having that mentally retarded baby, or mentally retarded child, or mentally retarded adolescent, or mentally retarded young adult, or mentally retarded adult die before I die and having to live out the rest of my life with such an emotionally crippling loss. Oof. Yikes. Well, OK, I think that’s it. Now put the President Crown on my head and let me at those Nazis!

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