Winner Seeking Winner – M4W (Palm Beach, FL) – You were wearing a cape from the Miu Miu spring 2014 collection (sad) and standing outside of the incredible resort Mar-A-Lago waiting for the valet to pull your car around. I was the greatest man who has ever lived, a real winner. Even from five feet away, I could tell that you were a total lovely, and I could hardly even smell the scent of menstrual blood on you as we locked eyes across the most glorious driveway the world has ever known. My driveway, by the way. The best. I felt like there was something between us, and I could tell you felt it, too, and my wife knew what she was getting into when she signed the pre-nup.
Girl Running For Her Life On Private Island Last Week? – M4W (International Waters) – I shot at you from my helicopter, thinking you were the most dangerous game. I still do not know how you ended up on my private island/human hunting preserve, but I am not complaining. You were frantic, with shredded nail beds and unkempt hair more befitting a slave (they still exist in some parts of this world, let me tell you, I would know) than a beautiful woman that I would be gracious enough to sleep with, and yet there was something in your eyes. Was it fear? I don’t mind!
I Am The Greatest, Remember? – M4W (Columbus Circle) – You were reading Atlas Shrugged, just kidding, you were not reading, reading is for total losers. I was a golden-maned king, a human lion, the king of the jungle that we call Life. A true portrait of the full capacity of MANkind for glory and power. I was an Adonis carved of the finest marble, a specimen that science will want to study, Superman and Jesus rolled into one, but no one would dare crucify me. I was the Lord Your God. I remember nothing specific about you.
HEY MEGYN KELLY I AM TALKING TO YOU DONALD TRUMP – M4W (FNC) – You were moderating a televised debate. I was the blinding symbol of American Freedom. You were a real dog-faced cunt, and how dare you speak to me unless it is to praise the size of my hands, which are huge, the hugest hands in the world?! It is only because I am the most benevolent of huge-handed winners that I am even willing to sleep with you, but I will do it, and it will be the most miraculous experience of your pathetic life. Call me.
Heil Me! – M4W (Anywhere) – You were who cares. I was basically Hitler. Let’s fuck!