Gabe Delahaye

Dear You Guys,

My name is Gabe. I am a writer and comedian living in Los Angeles, California, the greatest city on Earth. I used to be the Senior Editor of, but I'm not anymore. I also write other stuff, and sometimes I make videos with my friend Max. We call ourselves Gabe & Max, which is admittedly a bit on the nose but what are you going to do? When I'm not at the Farmer's Market or The Grove (or the Farmer's Market at The Grove) I am either on stage telling jokes, or at home watching Netflix Instant jk I am just at home watching Netflix Instant. Anyway, this is my homepage. Thx 4 the add!




Donald Trump’s Missed Connections

Winner Seeking Winner – M4W (Palm Beach, FL) – You were wearing a cape from the Miu Miu spring 2014 collection (sad) and standing outside of the incredible resort Mar-A-Lago waiting for the valet to pull your car around. I was the greatest man who has ever lived, a real winner. Even from five feet away, I could tell that you were a total lovely, and I could hardly even smell the scent of menstrual blood on you as we locked eyes across the most glorious driveway the world has ever known. My driveway, by the way. The best. I felt like there was something between us, and I could tell you felt it, too, and my wife knew what she was getting into when she signed the pre-nup.

Girl Running For Her Life On Private Island Last Week? – M4W (International Waters) – I shot at you from my helicopter, thinking you were the most dangerous game. I still do not know how you ended up on my private island/human hunting preserve, but I am not complaining. You were frantic, with shredded nail beds and unkempt hair more befitting a slave (they still exist in some parts of this world, let me tell you, I would know) than a beautiful woman that I would be gracious enough to sleep with, and yet there was something in your eyes. Was it fear? I don’t mind!

I Am The Greatest, Remember? – M4W (Columbus Circle) – You were reading Atlas Shrugged, just kidding, you were not reading, reading is for total losers. I was a golden-maned king, a human lion, the king of the jungle that we call Life. A true portrait of the full capacity of MANkind for glory and power. I was an Adonis carved of the finest marble, a specimen that science will want to study, Superman and Jesus rolled into one, but no one would dare crucify me. I was the Lord Your God. I remember nothing specific about you.

HEY MEGYN KELLY I AM TALKING TO YOU DONALD TRUMP – M4W (FNC) – You were moderating a televised debate. I was the blinding symbol of American Freedom. You were a real dog-faced cunt, and how dare you speak to me unless it is to praise the size of my hands, which are huge, the hugest hands in the world?! It is only because I am the most benevolent of huge-handed winners that I am even willing to sleep with you, but I will do it, and it will be the most miraculous experience of your pathetic life. Call me.

Heil Me! – M4W (Anywhere) – You were who cares. I was basically Hitler. Let’s fuck!


Two Guys Just Talking

Guy 1: Hey man, did you see the game last night?
Guy 2: Yeah. Good game!
Guy 1: I also enjoyed the game. What was your favorite part of the game?
Guy 2: The points.
Guy 1: Now you are talking! The points are so great. How about those cheers?
Guy 2: It’s funny, but I never got into the cheers.
Guy 1:
Guy 2:
Guy 1:
Guy 2: But it’s never kept me from loving the games!
Guy 1: Let’s just change the subject, I think it is for the best.
Guy 2: OK. Uh. How’s your family’s health?


Hospitality "Friends Of Friends" Music Video

I’m excited to announce that I am now one music video closer to my goal of being in all the music videos!


Real Estate "Easy"

I am really excited and happy and proud to have been a part of this music video for the Real Estate song “Easy” with Chris Gethard, Jake Fogelnest, and Leah Giblin, produced by Rob Hatch-Miller and Puloma Basu, and directed by Tom Scharpling. It was so fun to make and I think it turned out great and you should listen to the Real Estate album because it’s good and thank you to all my FANS, I just want to CREATE for YOU. #DONDA.


My New Year's Resolutions

Start doing the one thing.
Stop doing the bad stuff.
Be better at you know.
Try more whatever.
Do yadda.
Live life (see: back of book skimmed on toilet).
Work something.
Enjoy eh.


More info here.


Children's Letters To God

Dear God,

I hope you are reading this up in heaven and that you are going to bless all of us and mommy and dady and I hop you also are knowing that I am good and true all of the time even when I sleep. I hope that you break Johnny’s kneecaps because Johnny stinks and he is mean and I hope his head catches on fire and I hope it burns into a crisp and when you hit it with a baseball bat it just explodeds into a pretty cloud of dust. I hope that you make China’s economy fail so that it doesn’t overtake the United States as an economic superpower becauaase I donut know what that would look licke and it make me nervus. Mom flushed a turtle down’t the toilet but donut be mad at her she is a good mom and I love her. What TV shows do you watch? I watch Sesame Street Umizoomi Yo Gabba Gabba and The Wire. Did you like Season 2 of The Wire? Some people think it’s weird because it’s so different but I think maybe that’s why it’s god I don’t know. Oops snacktime bye bye God.

Toby “Tire Iron” Peterson (Age 2)

Dear God,

I want a pony. So please make an adult man horse have sex with a female adult horse and get her horse pregnant and then have the baby horse which is a type of pony run away from the farm and run all the way to my room I promise I will take care of it and that the mommy and daddy will get over their loss eventually.

Thank you,
Eleanor Roosevelt (Age 9)

Dear God,

After my wife and newborn child died in a car accident I’ve struggled with my faith. I’m sure You can understand my difficulty in believing in some superior, omniscient and omnipotent being who sees and controls all and who let this happen. Some people say that You work in mysterious ways, but I think that is a misuse of the word “mysterious.” These were useless deaths, and there is no window you can open to make up for this closed (and bloodied) door. Perhaps you were punishing me. As if having your family turn its back on you and an entire neighborhood shun you and cast you sideways glances as you clean the spattered egg from your windows and the toilet paper from the tree in your front yard and scrub away the graffittied “It’s Adam And Eve Not Baby Adam And Adult Eve” from your car’s rear windshield. If You were punishing me in then why didn’t you take my life? Hadn’t Susan suffered enough already for her decision to marry me? Our love was true, as You in your Infinite Wisdom must know, and she stuck by my side through everything, but it couldn’t have been easy for her, marrying a 4-year-old boy. Yes, we were banished, cast out, forgotten, and alone, but we were together, and that was enough. Now she is dead, and I am left to walk this Earth for the remainder of my years, which is almost all of my years at this point, with nothing but regret in my heart. My therapist suggested that I write you these letters once a year on the anniversary of their deaths. Frankly, I think it’s nonsense, but at $150-an-hour, her advice is at least worth trying once. I hope that when I do die, that You are real and that I get to meet You so that I can tell You to Your face how much I hate You.

Benny (age 5)


This photo is perfect and it should hang in a museum.


Just in time for the holiday weekend!

Download here. Tracklisting after the jump:


Terrible Titles For Fake Movies In Which Adults Are Unexpectedly Thrown Into Having To Care For Children

Six Men And Four Babies
The Fusedest Skull
Not The Mama
But I’m A Jaded Businessman!
The Selfish Jean
Are We Dad Yet?
The Fusedest Skull 2: The Edge Of Susan
We Are All Adopted
Full Nest Syndrome
It Turns Out I Wasn’t Helping Him, He Was The One Who Was Helping Me: The Movie